photo by Hart Van Denburg

i don’t own a car, but i have in the past. and, like most car owners in minnesota, i know what it’s like to get stuck in the snow. so, when i see people outside my apartment getting stuck, i can’t help but want to help.

and that’s what i did today. a lot.

so, it’s with wisdom that i bestow on you, my rules for driving in blizzards:

rule #1: don’t drive in this shit!

when buses cancel all service, when tow trucks are getting stuck, when hennepin county calls back its plows because they can’t keep up with the snow, and when mndot advises NO TRAVEL, guess what? you don’t drive in this shit!

i know you might think that your car is invincible, and that it’ll never happen to you, but i’m pretty sure a similar lesson was taught to all of us in high school health classes? you don’t have sex without protection. you don’t drive in this shit, cause you WILL get stuck.

rule #2: keep your wheels straight!

i know it seems counter-intuitive, especially when you’re trying to make a turn, but keep your wheels straight, when you’re being pushed! you will get way more traction that way. when you turn your tires, all you do is create a nice, slick little pad of ice and snow that you will never get traction from.

i think i told one particular individual approximately 15 times to keep his wheels straight, and for some reason, he wouldn’t listen. i almost gave up on him, until–fortunately–a couple more good samaritans showed up and–without my prompting–all started yelling at him, “keep your wheels straight!” he finally listened, and guess what? we got him out.

rule #3: go straight home!

unless you’re going to the hospital to watch your child being born or a parent pass away, whatever you’re driving to isn’t that important. go home!

one particular example that i witnessed twice tonight was people getting stuck, pulling into the gas station. you know what’s more important than gas that will allow you to keep driving? your sanity! so, instead of pulling into the same gas station that you just watched two other cars get stuck pulling into, run out of gas and call a tow truck to tow you home. it’ll be easier and cost you not much more than the $3/gallon gas that you were gonna buy.

rule #4: for fuck’s sake, don’t drive in this shit!

i guarantee you that you can walk to where ever you’re going in less time than it will take you to drive/get stuck/drive/get stuck/drive there.

bus service won’t resume until 10am tomorrow morning. and if a fleet of 12-ton buses have the foresight to wait until then, you should, also. trust me. i’ve racked up enough karma points and i’m not longer looking to get any more. haha.

this happened. deal with it.

last night, i had strange dreams. so strange were they, that when i woke up, i actually wrote down what i could remember into my phone. it might be the first time that i’ve ever recalled my dreams so vividly.

anyway, here is my dream, as best as i can remember:

we start at a small apartment, maybe a dorm. there are about 8 people crammed in. this is probably after a show or something. chris shotliff (who played guitar in a band i was briefly in) throws me some keys and asks if i can park the PLANE. apparently, there was no street parking available, but he told me that if i fly to summit avenue, by some church, there was parking there.

so, i walk to the plane and think about how i’ve NEVER FLOWN A PLANE BEFORE, and ponder the danger of it. i decide that it can’t be that hard to drive a single seat propeller plane, so i do it. i fly to summit avenue and had a hell of a time finding a spot for the plane, as small as it was.

not sure if the plane got parked, but i did enter the church, which was actually an OFFICE BUILDING where ONLY BLACK WOMEN worked. i think i went in to ask where i should park, but the next thing i knew, i was heading into an elevator.

when, i leave the elevator, i’m back at the DORM. down the hall, there is a group of HOT ASIAN GIRLS. i want to talk to them, but when i pass a mirror, i see that i’m dressed as CATWOMAN and about 200 pounds heavier than normal. my hair is in a hairband and i’m wearing aviator glasses. feeling self-conscious, i just walk back to my dorm, without saying anything to the girls.

CUT TO:

i’m now flying (WITHOUT A PLANE OR WINGS) over the los angeles area. when i look down, it looks like GOOGLE MAPS satellite view. i’m trying to find a place to land. a place that’s familiar to me. i think i see where my old band recorded a record once, so i swoop down to it. nope, not it. so, i fly back up.

apparently, i’m heading into the FORBIDDEN WOODED AREA of northern los angeles, because i see a picture of a CARTOON COP with his hand out (stop). as i see him, i start plunging to…

A RESERVOIR at the top of a water fall. there is a strong current, which is pulling me, but not affecting the TWO FLY-FISHERMEN who are also there with me. MY MOM is on the shore, telling me to be careful. the current gets stronger and my mom yells for the fishermen to help me.

one of them walks over and picks me up and puts me on a GIANT ROCK. the giant rock resembles the back of an IGUANA. the other fisherman, meanwhile, is asking me if i dropped my TOILETRIES. i assure him that i’m quite alright and that is not my deodorant floating downstream.

suddenly, the giant rock starts moving. it is so big that once it gets to the edge of the falls, it creates a DAM, but in reverse. in other words, the part where the water falls into gets filled up and makes another reservoir.

we look into this new reservoir and see that it resembles the SUNKEN CITY OF ATLANTIS, except instead of a city, it’s STONEHENGE.

the two fishermen dive down. i dive off of the rock and into the sunken city, and as soon as i do, it becomes AN UNDERWATER MAN CAVE, closely resembling the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE’S underground lair. the only difference is that there is an upstairs balcony (resembling the upstairs at THE QUEST club), where MOTION CITY’s full backline is set up.

i watch the two men play XBOX on a giant ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, and i wake up.

the end.